*Author’s note: The name of the subject of this interview has been changed to protect his privacy and that of his family. Other details have not been revealed or have been kept general, as well.
Carl Swanson is a fifty-year-old former sheriff’s deputy in Florida. He was in law enforcement for nineteen years (from 1999 to 2018). He got into that line of work because he wanted to make a difference in the community and he loved his job.
However, in 2012, Swanson started having problems. He had trouble sleeping and was having nightmares. He admits that he started to drink in order to sleep at night and gradually began abusing alcohol. All of this was due to the stress of his position as a major case detective, investigating horrible homicides, many of them involving children.
“I had kids and every child’s death that I was working, I would see one of my kids laying there,” Swanson remarks.
He wanted to transfer out of his department to either a desk job or to become a school resource officer, but his supervisor told him he was too valuable as a detective.
Swanson’s issues were ruining his personal life. He was short with everyone in his family and he became secluded. He didn’t even want to go fishing, which was his passion or coach his son’s Little League team. He tried to talk to his wife, but she wouldn’t listen.
“It was like the world was closing in on me. And there was nothing I could do about it.”
By sheer willpower, he was able to hide his issues from his peers and superiors and was able to function on the job. He never missed a call out due to his drinking and was always willing to come and help out when needed.
“You can’t let anybody else know that it’s [the job] is bothering you because you’re going to lose your career.”
But he was slowly slipping into an abyss that he couldn’t get out of.
“In 2015, I broke down on the scene where a young child had been mauled by the family dog. I see this little boy and immediately started shaking. The tears were rolling down my face. I just stood there. It was so paralyzing I thought I was going to pass out. Then the mother gets there and I have to cut her off. I grab her and she grabs me and she lets out a scream. Another deputy was there so I get him to sit with her and I go to my sergeant and tell him I can’t do this. The sergeant says to go to my car and get myself together.”
Later that year, Swanson went to his sergeant and said, “Listen. I can’t put another dead baby in a bag.”
Swanson was transferred to economic crimes to give him a break from death. However, one day, within a week of his transfer, he was off duty at his son’s ball game. He got a call to come to the scene of a homicide because the detective on duty that night didn’t have enough experience to handle it and there was nobody besides him around that could help.
These calls continued to take place because economic crimes were under the same department as crimes against persons. Swanson was often called out to investigate homicides, assaults and other violent crimes.
Shortly after that, one of the captains on the force who had PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) referred Swanson to a psychologist who diagnosed him with PTSD. However, the hierarchy in the sheriff’s office wouldn’t accept that diagnosis. His parents drove him all around central Florida trying to get him help, but it was fruitless.
In 2017, he had an argument with his wife and was told to leave the house. He stayed with a friend for a while and also went to see the sheriff’s department staff psychiatrist. They sent him to alcohol rehab because they said that was his problem. The people at the program said he didn’t meet their criteria and released him the next day.
“That was just a coping mechanism. I did abuse alcohol,” Swanson admits, “because when I drank, I was mean, but it was a symptom of my problem, not the problem itself.”
After the diagnosis, he got written up twice. Prior to this he’d only been written up once before in his whole career. That was when he jumped out of his patrol car to chase a suspect on foot. He had turned the engine off and thrown the gear shift into park but it wasn’t fully engaged. It slipped into reverse and rolled downhill, hitting several mailboxes.
“I didn’t mind that one because I caught the bad guy,” Swanson says wryly.
These two write-ups were for not completing the paperwork on his cases, which was a petty offense. He didn’t have the time to do it right away because he was working on other cases. This happened fairly frequently among the deputies, so they would just put on the paperwork, “Ongoing investigation, further supplement to come.”
The captain who wrote him up said, “I’m being ordered to do this. You should not be written up for this.”
“The writing was on the wall. They were trying to push me out,” explained Swanson.
He was put on light duty in the HR department and was glad to finally be away from the situations that had brought about his stress.
“I was happy in Human Resources, then just before Christmas they told me they were going to put me in a patrol car. I didn’t think I could handle it. I didn’t want to be responsible for putting fellow deputies’ lives in danger because of my not being able to react.”
In January 2018, there was a major incident at home one weekend. Swanson and his wife got into an argument and on Saturday night, his wife and kids went away. Meanwhile, he was trying to get away from the alcohol but had to have it around just in case he needed it.
He bought a bottle, didn’t even open it, and left it in his truck. On Sunday, his wife and children came home. Swanson was asleep and was awakened when his wife threw the plastic liquor bottle and hit him. An argument ensued. His wife got the boys away from the situation and went outside. As Swanson tells it, this is what happened next.
“I went to the kitchen and got my gun. I was tired of hurting everyone [with his behavior]. I wasn’t going to harm anyone; I just wanted it all to end. I went into the living room, shot into the wall, then put the gun to my head and pulled the trigger, but the gun didn’t go off. My wife called the law. I hadn’t touched her, but she said I had punched her.
“I wouldn’t come out of the house. I wanted to die. You get to the point you try so hard and your brain…you cannot stop the sadness. I was trying to put the fire in my brain out.”
Two SWAT teams showed up and the standoff lasted for eleven hours. During that time Swanson fell asleep. When he woke up he thought it had all been a dream because he had experienced vivid dreams like this. His phone was ringing and he picked it up. It was his partner in the Major Cases division who was a negotiator for situations like this.
“He told me I had to come out and I said, ‘I am not coming out, Bro. Y’all are going to have to kill me. I’m done. I don’t know how to fix this and I’m tired of hurting everybody.’ ”
His partner finally talked him into coming out. He had his cell phone in his hand and was holding it on its side like a gun. Fortunately, the deputies did not fire. He dropped the phone, sat down and started crying.
Swanson was arrested and spent two days in jail. While he was incarcerated, they convinced him to sign a letter of resignation. Once released, Swanson was Baker Acted and spent 72 hours in a mental health facility. He also voluntarily participated in a 28-day inpatient program.
A lawyer advised him to take a plea bargain, which he did and Swanson was given three years’ probation.
At this time, fate stepped in. Swanson prefers to say it was God working. He went to see his local state representative, who told him about Veterans HEAT Factory (VHF), an organization that helps veterans with Post Traumatic Stress. He told Swanson to meet him at VHF for a presentation on PTSD, which happened to be the next day. He immediately saw himself in the stories he heard from the veterans.
“I started coming religiously [to the HEAT Factory]. I realized that I wasn’t the only soul in America who was going through this.”
But Swanson’s story and his troubles didn’t end there. His “happy ending” was a long way off.
Part 2 of “Justice for All?”- How Veterans HEAT Factory helped Swanson and his further legal problems.
