The Strength Buried Within
By Kathy Goodman
In the early hours of December 24, 2013, a knock at the door at 4:30 a.m. by two uniformed policemen changed our lives forever. It would be the second time we would hear dreadful news involving our son. My husband, Bill, and I stood there, trying to digest what the officers were relaying, but their words hung in the air.
“Your son Cody has been involved in an accident. Is your car in the garage?”
My husband checked, then told the officers, “No.”
Bill and I went into Cody’s room, hoping he was still in his bed to prove what the officers were telling us was simply a mistake, it had to be. We found a note Cody had written and left on his bed in plain view. A piece of paper, a horrible piece of paper filled with desperate words, painful words a parent never wants to read. A piece of paper which had put his plan into motion.
“Ok, your son is at the hospital,” the officer replied without further explanation.
My husband and I drove hurriedly to the hospital and were escorted into a darkened, private room. Next to us sat a gentleman who never spoke. We were confused. Is this the room the doctors use to advise people if their loved one is in critical condition? A doctor stepped into this ominous room, and with a soft, respectful tone he delivered the worst news any parent wanted to hear. The gentleman in the room, we later discovered, was a priest. We lost Cody that day, December 24, 2013, Christmas Eve. Our sweet, introverted, funny 17-year-old was gone.
A few months earlier that year Cody’s friend, Richard, called us from an accident scene.
“Mr. and Mrs. Goodman, Cody’s been in a car accident,” Richard said, crying incessantly. “A pedestrian had died.”
The stress of the accident left a toll on Cody’s body. He suffered several illnesses and we became regular visitors at the emergency room which made me think, they should name a wing after our family. Our son slowly started losing weight and became withdrawn. His friends came over and encouraged him to go outside for walks and, at times, he relented. At one point, Cody lied to me about stealing my prescription muscle-relaxing medication. I didn’t know he was having nightmares. He brought me a trinket from his room and said he didn’t want it anymore. I later learned through researching suicidology, it is not uncommon for anyone in despair to give their possessions away. Sometimes the red flags of a suicidal person are not glaring and their silence can be the loudest scream. I wish I had sat him down and asked him about everything that was going on inside his mind.
Iris Bolton, in her book My Son, My Son, A Guide to Healing After Death, Loss or Suicide, (p. 19) quoted her friend Dr. Leonard T. Maholick, M.D., P.C. as he comforted her after her son’s suicide. He stated: “there is a gift for you in your son’s death. You may not believe it at this bitter moment, but it is authentic, and it can be yours if you are willing to search for it. To other eyes it may remain hidden. The gift is real and precious, and you can find it if you choose.”
My son’s gift to me was revealing the strength buried within me. The strength to overcome, to speak my truth, to dare to feel peace, hope for the future, and appreciate what is in the present.
According to the Center for Disease Control, suicide is the 11th leading causes of death in the United States and the 12th in the State of Florida. It is the 3rd leading cause of death in Florida for ages 10-34, 5th leading cause of death for ages 35-44; 6th leading cause of death for ages 45-54; 9th leading cause of death for ages 55-64 and 17th leading cause of death for ages 65 and over. In Hernando County, we lost 39 people to suicide in 2022. Suicide is a global crisis with 703,000 suicidal deaths worldwide each year. As the suicide rates continue to rise in some demographics, mental health should be a national priority. Research has found a single cause for suicide does not exist and the risk increases when several health factors and life stressors merge, to create hopelessness and despair.
Suicide is preventable but there is more to learn because it is a complex public health issue. Resources are available; books, support groups, clinicians, and organizations, to name a few. I urge those suffering to seek resources and talk about the heartbreak so those difficult feelings surface, so at some point the anguish is manageable. We all mourn differently from each other. One crucial lesson is to learn how to forgive ourselves and remind ourselves it was their decision not ours. We are human and do not always have all the answers or the intuition to recognize a suicidal person.
When survivors of loss meet, there is often a painful embrace of shared understanding. To see someone else who has been where others are now, and who may be farther along in their journey of understanding, it can be healing and provide hope. When we stand together and express our emotions, we begin to heal. When we come together and talk, we are less lonely. Healing is not linear and our loss is not meant to be overcome but rather integrated into our lives as loss survivors. No one is alone during that journey, there is hope and light that will become a beacon along the way.
The Survivors of Suicide Grief Support Group was created in Hernando County by Kathy Goodman and Tammy White of the Bobby White Foundation, Inc. We meet on the second Wednesday of each month, 6:30 p.m. to 7:30 p.m. at NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) located at 4030 Commercial Way, Spring Hill, FL 34606 (behind the IHop restaurant). Please contact Kathy Goodman for more information at [email protected] or (813) 493-8626.
If you or a loved one are in crisis, please call 988 (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline).
Sources: Center for Disease Control, American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, Florida Department of Health
